“Out of the Wilderness” - me vs. music
“When you’re faced with two choices, choose the one that requires you to be more brave.”
About a year ago I was on the phone with my friend telling her how I have been feeling like God is calling me back into music but I am terrified & don’t want to go back down that road. She told me something her mom says to her all the time, “When you’re faced with two choices, choose the one that requires you to be more brave.” My two choices here were, 1. Listen to what God is placing on your heart & obey or 2. Ignore God’s voice & continue with “your plans.”
The definition of brave is; having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty. Obviously there is nothing dangerous about me pursing music, but there is a lot of fear attached to it for me.
It’s so funny because I always thought I started singing/wanted to be a singer when I was in 6th grade. Clearly my memory is not the best! Someone sent me this photo the other day of me in 3rd grade…..
If you can’t see from the photo it says, “Hi my name is Nicole Balsamo. I like to sing, dance, and act. When I grow up I would like to be a singer.”
The irony of someone sending this to me only a week before this song release is too funny not to be from God. I think it was God reminding me of my child-like state before all fear & difficulty came in years later. I loved to sing my whole life, since I was a toddler I’m sure. I was obsessed! I wrote my first song in 2nd grade, it was about a puppy and I still remember the lyrics! I have 10+ notebooks of lyrics I’ve written since elementary school. I loved singing for my family and for my friends whenever they came to the house. I used to record myself singing in my room with my parents camcorder all the time (need to get my hands on those tapes lol).
I did talent shows, school choir, show choir, singing competitions..you name it. I took private voice lessons for 5+ years. I’ve auditioned for American Idol and The Voice. I was in a wedding band, performed at restaurants, and before college I started doing a lot of nightclub shows with an R&B group. By the age of 19/20 I was screwed over by this recording studio in Detroit & that was the final straw for me.
It seemed like everything was a let down. Nothing ever really got me anywhere. I started to attach failure with music & then started to lose my confidence in it all together. At the time I decided to give up music, I picked up a camera & started my photography business. Which turned out to be a great success for me, and so music was not even an option for me anymore.
Fast forward to January 2017 when I got saved at Zoe Church LA. Although that day was a defining moment for me, I really didn’t start walking out my faith or my walk with God until end of 2017/early 2018. That’s when I started listening to worship music and fell in love. I started to fall in love with music all over again. I have always struggled with words when it comes to vulnerability in intimate relationships and so I felt like worship music & singing was the easiest way for me to connect with God. I started singing all the time again. Then in 2019 I started to feel the call from God to sing. I have journaled it many times…& ignored it many times. Then Jan of 2020 is when I had that conversation with my friend because the call for me to sing was so loud that I couldn’t ignore it.
April of 2020 my friend Christopher called me and said he wrote a song & the Lord told him I was supposed to sing it. So he said he wanted me to have the song. I was excited because I loved the song but I never thought anything would come of it. Then Christopher moved to Redding, CA and after getting involved with some amazing worship producers & bethel music he called me and said we should record the song he wrote. That’s when the fear kicked in. Fear of failure and the fear of not being good enough. The list of lies goes on. The enemy really tried to get me not to do it, and that would’ve been the easier choice. But God reminded me that I could not fail this time because this time He was involved. This was the first time I felt peace around music since I was 18 trying to make it myself. I felt like everything just started happening & all I had to do was say yes, God did the rest. I was choosing the option that required me to be more brave & I started to see that my obedience was opening doors that I never thought possible.
I say ALL THAT to say….I am not pursing being an artist, I’m pursing what God has for me. I am pursing more than I am doing. I’m being obedient to what I know God has spoken to me. I am choosing God over my fears. I am excited to see what God does with this song & I will continue to do music as long as God leads me to it.
